you know what really sux? when you realize that you have never been on a date...i have never been on a date. i mean i have gone out with guys and hung out. but they don't classify as dates... i mean i want to go to a movie and maybe dinner or something with a guy that i am feeling and who is feeling me. it sux that i could have feelings for someone and would not know if they had any feelings for me... i am not one to go to someone and say "hey i like you..." thats too dangerous and puts me at a great risk of rejection (something i would rather not deal with). since no one approaches me, i guess i am not attractive or not something they are looking for... its ok. i will live... alone, but i will live. its crazy because of all that i have done, i have never been on a damn date... i'm 20 for goodness sakes... i should have atleast one date under my belt... but then again, i have never had an actual relationship. so it makes sense.

what can i say about my life? i desire so much out of it. but i don't get very much out of what i put in. maybe i should stop trying. all of my friends told me that i have to do for me. thats hard when i am so used to doing for others. thinking for myself is easy. but taking care of myself is not. there is so much about me that has to change. i don't want to change. but i have to. the time has come for me to be 20 not 12... my manner of dress has always been an issue. but thanx to dana, i have girl's clothes... i can look like a girl... other than the obvious.
If i didn't have a test at 9:30, i would write more. but i am tired and i need to be prepared... more tomorrow.

i think i am in one of those strange moods that comes from thinking too much... i am thinking about me in a relationship with someone... thats scary. and its not just wishful thinking. it could very possibly be a reality. i like him... i am guessing he likes me unless he goes around kissing all the girls... then i would have a problem. this just goes to show that a lot can happen in a short period of time... but i really like him :)

NOTE: i had to put this song up here. i love selena's music. i will put toni back up there soon. but i had just found my selena cd and had to put this on here. isn't it a pretty song? and it fits in some case.

i hate computers... i had to print out my lab report that was due at 12:30 this afternoon. when i finally made it to a cluster, it was 12:00. so i sat down and tried to log on. it took 5 minutes to get the computer to log me in... that was too damn long. and then, i opened the program i needed and it froze!!! the same thing happened at two other computers. by this time, it was 12:25 and i was about to cry. i was supposed to be in and out of that damn cluster. but i wasted 20 minutes trying to get the computers to work. i eventually printed the report at a mac cluster (i originally hated macs) and had to swipe my id to pay for the printed copy. (cmu always has some scheme to take your money) yes, they charge us to print stuff now... and by then, it was 12:30... damn. i basically ran down to mellon near tears cuz i was so damn frustrated. i made it in 10 minutes... luckily this report was not graded. so my episode was ok. no points off this time...

don't you just hate it when your hormones are raging and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it? i mean damn... there should be an automatic sexually frustrated survival kit with all the necessary things... and it sux cuz no matter what i do, i am never able to relieve my frustration... its like i was not meant to be free of it. i also realized that the normal touching and groping that usually happens does not work on me... dammit guys, stop with the breast grabbing... that does nothing to me. actually, it borders along hurting. its bad enough that i have a little 3 year old jumping on them all the damn time... but go anywhere near my neck and ears and i am almost putty... notice i said ALMOST. i can control myself beyond a certain extent. o well... i guess i haven't found that one for me... i assume that everyone has that one person that is it for them sexually as well as emotionally and spiritually. i highly doubt that my sexual match exists... i seem to make even the smallest tasks difficult... so there is no way that i would be able to find someone who would keep me turned on or even involved...

anyway, did i ever mention that i have a boyfriend? yeah... he is about 3'3", between 32 and 40 pounds...( probably a little heavier) and loves spiderman... o yeah, i failed to mention that my boyfriend is my friend dana's 3 year old son... lets just say that little boy is possessive of me... earlier, i was sitting on the floor at dana's reading my book. he squeezed behind me and started pulling me back towards him... since i am so much bigger than him i was afraid i would squish him. and then he proceeded to go down the back of my shirt... dana stepped in at that point. " get out of candice's shirt..." and he replied " for what? she's my girlfriend..." that ended her intervention. yeah, so he proceeded to sit on my lap and kept kissing my face. and when i left, he expected me to kiss him goodbye... little pervert...:)

after a fun filled night of skating (sort of), going to pegasus and cozumel (where i had my first dirty martini), and then attending a foam party here at one of the frats, i have realized something very vital. I NEED A MAN IN MY LIFE!!!!! this is of course after some serious thinking about what i just said. cuz i mean i don't need the stress and drama associated with them (sorry guys but you have weak egos...). but i want someone to be there when i want to have fun so that i can share it with someone special. i mean hangin with the ladies is fun... but i would like masculine arms wrapped around me. like skating for instance, i would like someone to skate with on slow songs and someone to teach me how to skate backwards... the physical aspects of a relationship would be nice too...(after a long ass dry spell). but i guess i have to wait until it knocks at my door...

i LOVE marachino cherries...

what i wouldn't give to turn back the clock to the beginning of the summer. things would be so different... i would not be in financial trouble, i would not have talked so damn much on my cell phone and i sure as hell would not allow the 4th of july weekend to happen... things got too out of hand this summer and i am glad its over. i hope that i can either mend broken friendships or move on from already dead ones. i would like to make an apology to someone who i mentioned in the previous entry. even though i listed you as "some guy", that does not imply that you are no longer my friend. thats for you to decide. and i felt that you were mad at me because of what happened. if i am mistaken, then you need to correct me.

ok man. time for an update. yeah its been a while but things have been goin on... for instance, i lost a friend of mine because of a guy... go figure. i didn't know it was all like that or else i would have backed out a while ago. people do not listen to me when i talk. i guess i have the word moron on my forehead. and then, the same guy that i lost a friend over is mad at me because of something that really doesn't matter. there are some other things involved but the main thing has nothing to do with him. call me insensitive, but i don't think a grown man should be upset at something that someone else is taking fault for. as a matter of fact, he should be proud of himself. he gets what he wants no matter what he does. but in this case, i am definately backing out. i don't have time to deal with people who say one thing and ask me how i feel one minute and the next minute, act like i didn't say anything. thats bullshit. i don't think i deserve to be treated like that.
and another thing, what is with the "ready-made" attitudes? it seems like i can ask someone what time it is and they act like i have asked them if they just farted or something. people, if you have an issue or are upset about something, let me know and i will leave you the hell alone until then. don't rip my head off cuz i asked you about the damn weather...
but i am happy that i have my friends like dana, sam, nesha and ebony. they hold a sista down. even in times of need when my best friend is not there (which is often). they know what to do and say to get me right again.
so what if i am bitter. the stupid shit that has happened to me has made me this way. get over it or correct the wrongs in my life.

it is a well known fact that people are stuck in a certain type of personality. some people are domineering and can't let anyone take control. some people are perfectionists who like to have everything perfect no matter the cost. then there are people like me. people who worry about everything, afraid to let go because they feel that they will lose their sense of self. those too afraid to stand up and take what they want. after a while, this style of life gets boring. but trying to get out of it is like trying to get out of a 100 dollar debt with 2 dollars. its very difficult and rare if it were to happen. i want to be more than what i am now. i want to live and be happy and know that i am living life to the fullest. i am running on half a tank if that. having friends tell you that you always seem down and that you have a wierd attitude tends to wear on you. i mean if other people see something wrong, then its time to fix it. i want to let go and be carefree. not reserved and restricted to my own mind. i am starting to loosen up but its not enough. i eventually revert back to my comfort zone and clam up. i am going to be 20 in three weeks. yet i still have people issues. i just don't know how to deal with people. because no matter how good things go, things get so bad in an instant and i am then at a loss for what to do next. i just don't want to compromise myself in the process of changing. sometimes a wrong change means hurting those that are close to you. i don't want to hurt anyone. but i have to start looking out for myself. its not easy trying to put everyone second to yourself once you are used to taking care of everyone else first. i guess its time to start a new routine. i have to start taking care of myself so that i can deal with the world better. it will also prepare me for living on my own and taking care of myself. thats what i want most in life. to be independent and able to interact normally with people. sigh... only time will tell what happens next...  

yup, it has been a while since i have updated my page. i have been so damn busy with working, taking my car around and getting my sister to and from work (she has a job!!! yay!!) now she can stop asking me for money... but not much has happened over the past few weeks. i had a bf and now i don't. short relationship... and now i am weighing my options on what to do with my life next. being broke is really getting on my nerves. i mean i have no money until the 3rd of june... i have one week left. i can do it!!!
i am the maid of honor at jesi's wedding:) that is going to be fun but stressful... i get to plan the bachelorette party... whoo hoo. i think its great that she found captain. they are really good together and i know she will take care of him. i have a lot of work to do in that department.
my birthday is next month and i have no idea what i want to do. i could have people at the house... or not. i wonder if we are going to go to dinner like we do every year for me and sam. thats always fun. we'll figure it out. i just want the weather to be nice for it so that i can finally get in my pool. man, 20 years on this earth... getting old, getting old.

man, when you are choosing someone to date, choose someone who is of your level of looks or better. not below... i am sorry but it hurts my heart to see fine brothas with some busted ass gurls... take this boy clayton... he is so cute. but he goes with this gurl who is two steps away from looking like a man that wants to be a woman that had an accident with the surgery. in others she looks a mess. she ain't cute... o well. to each his own but expect me to talk about you behind your back...

today was a rather interesting day. it marks the second anniversary of the day that we (my close friends) gang molested a friend of ours... that was a funny ass day... he was a mess once we were finished with him. lmao... anyway... i had to embarass myself in front of my cell bio class singing a song that we made up about metaphase... our powerpoint did not work so we have to redo the presentation for the teacher next week. that is so butt!!! anyway i went to work today. i got to see clayton and dj. well, dj was high... surprise, surprise... i gave him a hug and then i went to hug clayton... can we say horny little boy? he told me that he missed me. aww how cute. but he is one tall ass 16 year old... we were standing in the door to the gym and i bumped him. he bumped me back and of course i had to get the last bump. i was expecting him to bump me again but instead he backed up so that our backs were touching... and he proceeded to caress my behind...!!! i turned around and looked at him like he lost his damn mind... but he ignored the look i gave him and was talking on his phone. i had to take my ass back down stairs... i told sam... of course she found it funny. she gave me a "special" gift in a red package just in case... i was through...we went for ice cream after work though. it was so good:) of course the night could not end without a goofy quote from sam...
"stop making it move..." she said to someone...
"i'm not..." he replied... whoops... that was so damn funny. i wish i could walk around with a recorder so that people could hear some of the stuff we talk about. its quite comical. o well. i sleepy. i have a lot to do tomorrow. so i guess i will go... ciao belos